Deep Thoughts by Julie

I joined this little community in order to post better with Dubya's Wichita Voice blog.  I am enamored of this whole little personal blog thang.  I am a consistant reader of Amalah, Sweetney, Surrender Dorothy, We're Not In Kansas Anymore, Toto and of course Dooce.  I admire how they readily avail their most personal demons at times.  I wish I'd known about blogging back when Chick (my 4 year old) was small.  I wish I'd kept a better journal about pregnancy (with both girls) and better about all my kids growing up.  I wish I'd record every single cute thing they say.  Like the way Chick says "Probilty" for probably and her prophetizing  "Mom, God tells us that....".

I feel like I'm barely holding it together right now.  I've started so many entries about what's going on with the custody battle for Boo (13 year old son he's not biologically mine but he is my son) and I've deleted them all.  Short reader's digest version is that his biological mother sprung a surprise change of custody motion on us in February.  She's been an inconsistent presence in his life and when she is around it's candyland.  We've been in the midst of this custody battle for months now and it's really taking a toll on our family.  The court has ordered that the visitation be one week at our house one week at her house.  Prior to this whole issue she was supposed to have him every other weekend.  Well it was her current husband that called to make sure it was her weekend and he'd come getBoo and he'd drop him off.  Anyway, since this whole things been brewing Boo's grades have plummeted.  He had a 2.75 GPA and end of semester.  Right now he's got a 1.90 GPA.  

I chose to step up and be his mother when she walked out and didn't see Boo for months on end.  I held him in my arms when he was 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 when she wouldn't call, when she made empty promises, when she made her lack of involvement always somebody else's fault.

I was there when he lost his first tooth.  I was there when he learned to ride a skateboard.  I was the one who taught him how to blow bubbles with bubblegum.  I was the one who's helped guide him through Cub Scouts and now Boy Scouts.  I've NEVER missed a school function that he was in, made it to every choir and band concert.  Made it to every field day and most class fieldtrips.

But it's all about her.  She's his mother and can do no wrong.  When Boo's over at her house he doesn't do his homework, he stays up late, he has no chores.  She tells him what an ass his Dad is and not to listen to him.   She flat out told us that she believes Boo over us.  We tell nothing but lies to her about him and he tells nothing but the truth.  She told us that Boo should have no responsibility and he should just play video games and read books, but only if he wants to.  He shouldn't have to do his homework.  Someone should sit beside him and help him whenever he has trouble and if he can't do it then someone should do the homework for him. 

I'm losing it.  I'm falling into such a deep funk.  I'm emotionally eating again.  I try not to but it is a constant battle.  I want my comfort foods even though they aren't the best for me.  I force myself to clean the kitchen and do laundry, but after it's washed and dried it will take days for me to put them up.  I'm able to function at work but when I get home, I just want to sit.  I don't want to cook, clean or do anything.

I need to pull out of this.  It isn't good for me.  

We started family therapy this week.  I think it will help.  I hope that it will help us deal with our issues.  Boo wasn't happy and dragged his feet.  He doesn't want to accept any responsibility.  He likes the arrangements the way they are because he gets a free pass at his mom's.  He said so during the meeting.

Boo is a good kid.  I love him so much.  But he's a typical teenager.  If he can get away with something he will.

But I don't think going from a structured environment to chaos is good.  Rumor has it she's getting ready to leave this 3rd husband.  When she left her 2nd husband she saw or called Chance 18 times in 3 years.  She once went 10 months without seeing or calling him. She missed his birthday, an entire summer vacation and some holidays.  When things get too 'normal' for her she creates drama because she thrives on dysfunction.  She can't handle things flowing smoothly.

But why did she have to create drama in my families life?  Go mess up her own - I really don't care.  But leave my family alone.