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Beating myself up

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 13:24:42 GMT

I joined this little community in order to post better with Dubya's Wichita Voice blog. I am enamored of this whole little personal blog thang. I am a consistant reader of Amalah, Sweetney, Surrender Dorothy, We're Not In Kansas Anymore, Toto and of course Dooce. I admire how they readily avail their most personal demons at times. I wish I'd known about blogging back when Chick (my 4 year old) was small. I wish I'd kept a better journal about pregnancy (with both girls) and better about all my kids growing up. I wish I'd record every single cute thing they say. Like the way Chick says "Probilty" for probably and her prophetizing "Mom, God tells us that....".

I feel like I'm barely holding it together right now. I've started so many entries about what's going on with the custody battle for Boo (13 year old son he's not biologically mine but he is my son) and I've deleted them all. Short reader's digest version is that his biological mother sprung a surprise change of custody motion on us in February. She's been an inconsistent presence in his life and when she is around it's candyland. We've been in the midst of this custody battle for months now and it's really taking a toll on our family. The court has ordered that the visitation be one week at our house one week at her house. Prior to this whole issue she was supposed to have him every other weekend. Well it was her current husband that called to make sure it was her weekend and he'd come getBoo and he'd drop him off. Anyway, since this whole things been brewing Boo's grades have plummeted. He had a 2.75 GPA and end of semester. Right now he's got a 1.90 GPA.

I chose to step up and be his mother when she walked out and didn't see Boo for months on end. I held him in my arms when he was 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 when she wouldn't call, when she made empty promises, when she made her lack of involvement always somebody else's fault.

I was there when he lost his first tooth. I was there when he learned to ride a skateboard. I was the one who taught him how to blow bubbles with bubblegum. I was the one who's helped guide him through Cub Scouts and now Boy Scouts. I've NEVER missed a school function that he was in, made it to every choir and band concert. Made it to every field day and most class fieldtrips.

But it's all about her. She's his mother and can do no wrong. When Boo's over at her house he doesn't do his homework, he stays up late, he has no chores. She tells him what an ass his Dad is and not to listen to him. She flat out told us that she believes Boo over us. We tell nothing but lies to her about him and he tells nothing but the truth. She told us that Boo should have no responsibility and he should just play video games and read books, but only if he wants to. He shouldn't have to do his homework. Someone should sit beside him and help him whenever he has trouble and if he can't do it then someone should do the homework for him.

I'm losing it. I'm falling into such a deep funk. I'm emotionally eating again. I try not to but it is a constant battle. I want my comfort foods even though they aren't the best for me. I force myself to clean the kitchen and do laundry, but after it's washed and dried it will take days for me to put them up. I'm able to function at work but when I get home, I just want to sit. I don't want to cook, clean or do anything.

I need to pull out of this. It isn't good for me.

We started family therapy this week. I think it will help. I hope that it will help us deal with our issues. Boo wasn't happy and dragged his feet. He doesn't want to accept any responsibility. He likes the arrangements the way they are because he gets a free pass at his mom's. He said so during the meeting.

Boo is a good kid. I love him so much. But he's a typical teenager. If he can get away with something he will.

But I don't think going from a structured environment to chaos is good. Rumor has it she's getting ready to leave this 3rd husband. When she left her 2nd husband she saw or called Chance 18 times in 3 years. She once went 10 months without seeing or calling him. She missed his birthday, an entire summer vacation and some holidays. When things get too 'normal' for her she creates drama because she thrives on dysfunction. She can't handle things flowing smoothly.

But why did she have to create drama in my families life? Go mess up her own - I really don't care. But leave my family alone.

Ugh!!

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:38:56 GMT

So my darling hubby threw out his back last weekend.

He's got an old work related injury that acts up and he is still fighting work comp 11 years after the injury. The original injury was that he collapsed the lower 3 lumbar disks in his back. Had back surgery 10 months after the injury and then his then wife up and split leaving him with an almost 2 year old. So dealing with a toddler and having a zero weightlifting restriction - needless to say he ended up having another back surgery.

Originally he was authorized a hot tub because hydro therapy really helps. Well he was in an apartment and had no place to put it so it was put on hold.

His back was doing really good and he didn't think about it much.

So we met and eventually got married and bought a house. He turned 40 and his back started bothering him more and more so he called up his attorney and said - hey can we go ahead and get that hot tub?

So the work comp people had him go to a completely new doctor who talked to him for maybe 20 minutes. New doctor said - you don't need a hot tub at your house - go to the YMCA and use theirs.

Well we've already tried that route - I paid for a family membership for 2 years ('03 to '05). Hubby went exactly 3 times. All three times he nearly slipped and fell wrenching his back worse in the progress. Also he contracted a nasty case of Athlete's foot that he is still fighting.

So while he is in excruciating agony he's supposed to drive 30 minutes to the nearest YMCA and try to navigate the slippery poolside. uh, yeah.

What do you do?

I'm at my wits end and using this as a forum to vent.

UGH!!!

why oh why?

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 17:35:07 GMT

Stephanie? I expected someone who's name started with an "s" to go but not Stephanie!!!

This isn't exactly a Mandisa moment like last year (although Country was obviously not good to her) but...

yeah

Sanjaya - seems like a nice enough kid but he's destined for High School Musical rather than a pop career.

Then again - like I said earlier - not a big fan of the guys this year.

Top 12

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 14:55:02 GMT

I admit I'm an American Idol junkie. I didn't watch the first 2 seasons but got into it on the 3rd and I got hooked. I need my weekly fix - I jones bad when it's not on.

So maybe it's just my delusions of grandeur and thinking back to my glory days of high school when I was involved in chorale and chamber singers and drama productions. I sing along in the privacy of my own home because well although people compliment me on my voice I get terrible stage fright when I sing solo. I get up there and freeze. My vibrato goes on overdrive and my voice gets really really really really soft. I can sing in front of friends but not strangers. It's getting better but there is no way I could ever audition for AI. I'm too old. I turned 30 last summer.

I was totally dumbfounded last week when Sabrina and Sundance got cut. I totally did not see that coming.

Not a huge fan of Phil. He used to live where I live (woo hoo Wichita Kansas!) but even that isn't enough.

I'm really just not into the guys this year. (Last year I TOTALLY liked Chris Daughtry and Bucky Covington. My oldest 'Chickie' (at the time 3) loved her some Bucky)

The girls are doing awesome. LaKisha and Melinda are the obvious frontrunners but I think that Jordin might just pull this one out.

What do you think?

Hello....My Name is Julie

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 19:24:40 GMT

So I've blogged on WEBlog, and Myspace. Ok, so WEBlog was more of a commenting rather than an all out blogging. I'm still a baby when it comes to this stuff. I'm sure I'll be adding new 'cool' stuff to the page but bear with me as I take my first babysteps on this.

For those of you who haven't met me yet. My name is Julie. I live and work in South Central Kansas. I have a wonderful marvelous (what other glowing adjectives can I come up with) husband. We've been together for 7 years now, married for 5. We've got 3 kids, 1 boy, 2 girls. The boy is not biologically mine (not even adoptedly mine) but he's my son. The girls are mine. I was just the incubator because they both look just like their daddy. The boy is 13, the girls are 4 years and 6 months.

I work as the Municipal Court Clerk for a small town just outside Wichita. I love it. BEST.JOB.EVER. My boss(es) and co-workers are fabulous and wonderful and fantastic. I'll probably share some court stories (names changed or omitted to protect identities but OMG you can't believe the stories I hear sometimes).

I have a dog, he's a chihuahua that is sooooo cute. He's my baby.

We also have 2 cats and the older kids have a rat each.

So this is me. Welcome to my little corner of the world. I'm sure to rant about somethings and rave about others. Enjoy. Post comments if ya wanna.

Or just sit back and have a beer.